he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
