I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
