Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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