So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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