you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
