Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
