All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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