Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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