Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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