Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
