oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
