Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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