i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
