I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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