I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
