Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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