Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
