Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
