When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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