the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
