He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
