So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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