If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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