We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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