Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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