Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
