Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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