It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
