I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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