I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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