i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
