Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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