life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
