He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
