tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There's always time for handjobs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
