i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
