You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
