Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Randomize
