Who wears a wallet chain?!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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