I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In other news, I just burned my penis
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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