I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
