Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
