I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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