I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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