No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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