haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
