Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
