I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
