why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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