Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
