You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
