I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
